Uncertainty in their actions. What gives self-confidence? And stay confident

Many of us ask the question: “ Why am I not sure of myself and how to become confident? "

We are looking for problems in the past, in upbringing, in life's troubles. We make a helpless gesture that "it just so happened." But this is only part of the truth.

And the unpleasant truth sounds like this - to be an insecure woman is profitable and convenient... And admit realizing this is the first step to self-worth and real implementation.

I am not writing this article to throw mud at everyone. But rather, in order to knock off an abscess, full of pus, but a little dried on top ("and so it will do ...").

Now I'm working on self-confidence, and the benefits of insecurity are the first thing that came out for me. Hard as it is to admit.

Therefore, I am writing not from the position of an “all-knowing celestial”, but, to be honest, relying on my own experience and examples of familiar people.

So why should a woman it is beneficial to be insecure?

1. Safety in an injured state

The wounded animal does not climb to fight with competitors and to develop new territories, but first it is laid down and cured.

During psychological or physical trauma to be quiet, invisible (and insecure) is normal, it is sewn into us at the level of instinct.

Hide and not provoke. "They do not beat someone who is lying down." Do not flatter yourself, sometimes they can kick and bite, but they will definitely not finish. Boring. And no one wants to feel like a villain.

Therefore, if in your life it happened traumatic event(divorce, betrayal, loss of a loved one, loss of health or important work) - at first, self-doubt is normal.

In such cases, psychologists do not recommend building new relationships and change something dramatically in life for at least a few months. It is very likely that a person will be attracted who will reinforce your lack of self-confidence by open belittling or (worse) - a kind patronizing pity.

Perhaps, maintaining security, focusing inward during painful experiences and crises is the only logically justified reason for insecurity.

Sometimes an unhealed mental wound can destroy your psyche and health, undermine your faith in yourself for many years. In this case, you need to trauma healing course... And only then - to develop self-confidence.

But if several years have passed since the crisis, you do not even think to work through the trauma and continue to be unsure of yourself, then you have other benefits.

And they are all somewhere in the zone manipulation and self-justification.
And you (and I, why hide) use it. Let's see how.

2. Justification of your inaction on the way to the goal

I would like to emphasize right away that everyone has different values, there are no “correct generally accepted ones”.
But each of us has own goals in personal life, work or finance. And if we have them did not achieve, as a rule, the reasons - either did not really want to, or did little for this.

But alas, this is difficult to admit. That's why inventing "uncertainty" for ourselves... I am not ready, I know little, I am modest, I am not beautiful enough ...

This is normal and is called "psychological resistance." Reaching the goal will break our familiar and comfortable comfort zone... Even if it is scanty and only suitable for survival.

In this case, self-doubt is both a benefit and an enemy. She needs to be dealt with.

3. "Alms" from others

It is normal for a person in trouble to help until he can get back on his feet. In case he still tries to get up.

But, there are people "Poor in life"... They are not doing well, they are some kind of orphan. Friends give them old things, sometimes they even feed them. They take care of them, try not to brag about their achievements, so as not to “hurt”.

I have a friend who, by the age of 30, has no education or work, and her retired parents pay for her apartment, travel, things.

She is a naturally talented artist and designer and could become a star in her city if put in a little work.
But, apparently, it is very convenient to remain "a creative person who is not understood by anyone" and live at someone else's expense ...

By the way, the same parents drown her more successful sister. Now they are being deprived of housing in favor of that "unfortunate girl", because "you will achieve it yourself, and no one but us will help her."

So "being insecure" is great manipulation. And sometimes very materially beneficial.

Is it worth the uncomplicated life and the position of the eternal "leech on someone else's neck"? Everyone has their own choice.

4. Fear of losing familiar relationships

You tried so hard, built a relationship. It doesn't matter if you are with your husband, friends or colleagues.
For example, they wanted to please “at the very beginning”, tried to be less conflicted, quiet and comfortable. And they are used to you like that.

But it was a long time ago. Perhaps you were traumatized then, or you had other interests and values.

Since then you became different... And your environment has hardly changed.

Try, being the usual gray mouse for everyone, raise your head and make yourself known. Try to build boundaries with your husband and children. Express your opinion in the team. With a high probability, you will receive misunderstanding and aggression.

If you are all the time whispered - even your usual voice will be mistaken for a scream... I had to do this several times in my life, and always ended with a change in my circle of friends.

With great difficulty and pain I have to admit that if a person does not want to recognize you as confident in yourself, clearly showing your personality, this is not your person. No options.

These are far from all the secondary benefits of self-doubt, but enough for now.

Tell us ah what do you know? Do you have them, what do you think? Did you recognize any of your acquaintances in the material?

Often, when starting a new business or when faced with an unfamiliar situation, a person begins to doubt his own strengths, experiences uncertainty. What is How to deal with it? The science about the human soul - psychology - helps to get answers to these questions.

Definition of the concept

Uncertainty is fear, internal fears associated with a biased assessment of one's own capabilities and strengths. Fears that fetter a person, prevent him from growing and developing further, making him hesitate when deciding any issues, performing actions - all this is the definition of what self-doubt is.

Causes

Doubts about their own abilities begin to form in childhood, and the child correctly evaluates his capabilities and has confidence. Misunderstanding, incorrect (often underestimated) assessment of the baby's abilities in the future will lead to the fact that the little man will turn into a downtrodden and weak personality, depending on the opinions and desires of the people around him.

The main reasons for self-doubt are:

• Upbringing. The influence of authoritarian parents or the pressure of one of them on the child provokes the development of insecurity.
• Environment. The pressure from the society in which a person develops negatively affects the formation of the personality. Taunts and mockery are gradually destroying it.
• Ignorance of one's own "I". The inability to listen to the inner voice, to communicate with your subconscious, the rejection of your own real role in society - all this creates a fertile ground for the development of insecurity.
• Uncertainty in the purpose and meaning of life. When a person has clearly defined goals and a strong desire to achieve them, he develops confidence in his capabilities. In the case of an individual who is unable to choose his own path and figure out what is his prerogative in life, the feeling of insecurity and his own insignificance grows like a snowball.
• Unsuccessful experience. If in the past a person is faced with any situation that has caused damage to the subconscious, then such a bad experience can teach him to believe in himself.

The above reasons for the emergence of uncertainty are not considered the main and only true. According to experts in the field of psychology and sociology, there are many prerequisites for the emergence of doubts in their own strengths.

Impact on human life

Feelings of indecision have a negative impact on the daily activities of the individual. What is self-doubt? This is, first of all, a manifestation of disrespect for oneself and one's needs, setting other people's desires above their own. It is difficult for a person experiencing insecurity to work, communicate, build relationships with the opposite sex.

When a person faces problems in an incomprehensible situation for him, he wants to overcome them, but begins to doubt his own abilities, this is normal. Another thing is when a man or woman, due to their own fears and insecurities, silently endure bullying, humiliation and do not even try to change their lives for the better. This requires the intervention of a specialist, since usually such individuals are rarely aware of the fact that they are victims of their own subconsciousness.

Fear and self-doubt destroy a person's life, make it impossible for him to exist in society. There are cases when the feeling of one's own worthlessness, uselessness in this world, lack of confidence in one's capabilities provoked suicide.

Signs

In order to timely prevent the further development of an inferiority complex, it is necessary to listen to yourself and identify the first alarm bells from the subconscious.

The main "symptoms" of insecurity:

• Inexplicable fear of new tasks and communication with people.
• Constant vanity, being in which, an insecure person is saved from inner discomfort.
• Dependence on the approval and opinions of others, unwillingness to be yourself.
• Attempts to assert themselves at someone else's expense.

In addition, it is worth noting that insecurity makes a person a follower, agreeing to any desire and decision of a stronger personality. The leader gains almost complete power over such a person.

Examples of

In everyday life, there are often people who underestimate themselves. They occupy low positions, do not strive to surpass their surroundings in anything. In communicating with them, any hint of exaggeration or falsehood is easily revealed - insecure individuals like to "embellish" facts.

Some examples of self-doubt:

• When meeting, a person with will never reach out first, will not utter a greeting.
• In a team, an individual, upon receiving a proposal for a higher position, in most cases refuses it, without good reason. That is, a person rejects the offer without even trying himself in a new role.
• In dealing with women, a man who is unsure of his abilities will allow the lady to play a dominant role (if the relationship still exists, otherwise he will not be able to connect even two words in a conversation).
• A woman will completely depend on the opinions of others. She solves any, even everyday issues only with the help of discussion and advice of girlfriends, friends.

What is self-doubt? This is an internal struggle, a protest against making any changes in life. As M. Ye. Litvak said, our enemy is in reflection, and as soon as we deal with it, the rest of the problems will go away by themselves. To combat uncertainty, the very understanding and awareness of the fact that the problem lies not in the world around, but inside a person, in his attitude towards himself and his life is important.

How to deal with fear and self-doubt? It is enough to follow the simple tips below:

• Try to praise yourself as often as possible, even for the smallest successes. Putting things down in your favor on paper will help boost your self-esteem.
• Don't be afraid to refuse people. Consider not only other people's interests, needs, but also your own desires.
• Do not reproach yourself for your misdeeds and failures, lead with you. When you think that you will not have enough strength to implement your plans, ask yourself the question, is it really so complicated?
• Concentrate on positive thoughts. There is no need to plunge headlong into problems - it takes both time and energy.

In the struggle with the most important thing is a sincere desire to overcome it and gain confidence in one's abilities.

Alix

Hello.
My name is Alix, I am 28 years old.
A year and a half ago, I met a guy on the Internet. We were introduced by mutual friends in the chat, by interests.
We started communicating quite well, we found a lot of common interests. He almost immediately began to admire me. I would like to propose to me, but I didn’t think that the wedding would be a good idea now, because at that time he had neither a normal job, nor his own home. We live in different cities, there are 12 hours of travel between us. Sometimes we eat together.
He introduced me to his family, I introduced him to mine.
Everything was pretty good at first. But now my family is not very happy with the situation. Moreover, my mother (who has a general medical education) believes that he has a slight psychological deviation.
I must say that for 28 years my boyfriend has not had a stable job with writing in a book. I did not serve in the army, I received a ticket only at the beginning of this year, sort of like "good in peacetime." He said that after the first draft they lost him due to moving (within the city). He seems to strive to work, but not to make money, but to do what is interesting or gain experience. He dreams of starting his own business (he has a culinary education).
He is somewhat boring, until the age of 25 he was uncommunicative. For health reasons, he takes some medications, according to him there were problems with the thyroid gland and asthma.
Now I have found a good (according to him) official job with the prospect of career growth. Got the keys to the completed bare odnushka, is working on repairs. She dreams of dragging me to her.
I was always uncommunicative, often with my peers I was bored. For the most part now I communicate with friends of the same interests in another city on the Internet, when I come - we all walk together, go to the cinema, etc. I have been working for almost four years as a civil servant. I'm a sysadmin. Working with computers has always been more interesting for me than with people face to face. I often feel uncomfortable among people.
By nature, I'm a little childish, indifferent. I love to paint, and in general, when they pay attention to my gender. Many people wonder why I don't ask guys at work to carry weights like printers, system units, etc. But I see no reason to ask a man to do what I can do myself. In principle, it is difficult for me to ask someone for help. Now I live in a large apartment with my parents, it seems to me more profitable - I do not need to spend money on rented living space, I give that money to my family, since my mother does not work, my father has retired, and even my underage brother is studying now.
I don't want to move to another city, because I foresee problems in finding a new job. And in my dowry in my city there is a two-room apartment.
Another problem is that my boyfriend wants children, but I absolutely do not want them. I don't see myself as a mother.
Do I love him? I do not know. I don't understand how I feel about him. There is definitely no discomfort, it is comfortable for me to be silent with him (we are not talkative). And as soon as I imagine that we will part - I cry.
But the opinion of my family is also important for me, because I understand that they have seen more in the world than mine, they are more experienced and they definitely wish me well.
For the most part, I can’t imagine how I’ll go on living. The questions "who do I see myself in three years, in five years" are empty and meaningless for me. On the one hand, it makes no difference to me whether I continue to live with my parents or get married. It seems to me the main thing is that no one tugs at me and everyone is happy and calm.

Olesya Verevkina

Alix, what kind of help do you expect from a psychologist?

Alix

I do not know what to do. Leaving everything as it is, it will take another couple of years with such rare meetings (which, in principle, suit me). Marry him, while insisting on living in my apartment. Or leave. In the third case, I don't know what could happen next, because we are in close contact with a whole group of people who, in principle, see us as a strong couple and everyone is waiting for us to get married. Awkwardness then definitely cannot be avoided.

Olesya Verevkina

Alix, if you opened the topic for all the participants, then on my own I can say. What to think about what others will say is for me personally, the very last thing. You live your life and, above all, for yourself. Focus on your feelings and sensations.

Alix

The problem is that I really don't have any feelings and sensations. In general, I am doing a lot now according to the principle - "you just need to". That is, I have to work - I get up, I go to work. It is necessary to celebrate the birthday in the family and the team - I am preparing for this.
Not even that, I guess.
In principle, it is difficult for me to think about what I need. I do not need anything. There is a roof over your head, there is work to feed, and that is all.

I was invited to the group of the Universe of Bliss, they are engaged in energy yoga, various practices, they are offered to stand on nails. The site is energyyoga78.ru/ Tell me, was there anyone and is it really possible to reveal the energy as described there? Even with orgasms? And isn't it harmful ...

I'm sorry, are you sure you are at the address with this question?

Alix, hello! If you do not like to think ahead, look into the future and make plans, then leave everything for now. As it is. After all, this situation suits you and your friend. Neither he nor you think about the wedding and children yet - he just got his first permanent job and earns money for repairs. How long will it take him? Will he hold on to this job to finish the renovation? Will your relationship continue at this point? Hardly anyone will give a guaranteed accurate answer.
So live as you like with him - meet, spend time together. When the time comes to make decisions, then you will think. Is this really relevant now? Is time running out and someone requires you to make decisions about the wedding and the move?

Alix

That's exactly what we think about the wedding and children.
More precisely, he thinks about children, but I absolutely do not want them.
And live together. On the one hand, I would like this, on the other hand, it seems to me that I will put some pressure on him materially. The question of money is very embarrassing for me. But the point, I think, is not this, but that I cannot figure out whether I need him at all. I am a self-sufficient girl, seven years ago I still somehow tried to look for acquaintances with guys, but I got tired of it. And here is a person who looks like me ... But sometimes it seems to me that I am more mature, or something. For example, in terms of the same work. It seems to me to sit at home for six months just like that, not finding any work - for a guy this is not very normal. But he didn’t even apply to the CZN. He didn’t seem to strive to work - an impression is made. Looking for a job - I constantly pushed him on the phone until he stirred.
In general, there are doubts that our living together will be as rosy as he outlined. In addition, he sees that I am moving over to him, but I absolutely do not want to change the city, leave work and generally move into a one-room apartment, given that I cannot be with a person for a long time. I need at least some angle ... Although, yes. Exactly. It is about this with him that it will be necessary to talk)

Alix, what exactly pushes you to think about starting a family right now, when there are no prerequisites for this? You don’t love this person, don’t want to move to him - your job and personal comfort are more dear to you, you don’t want children from him, you don’t see him as an equal partner - lazy, non-centered, unable to even take care of yourself. What then is the idea of ​​creating a family? Transfer him to his own city, where he has no work or housing, to settle at home and engage in his employment? Does he want this - have you discussed with him his attitude to such an idea?
Is it worth planning the future with a person with whom you have different goals in life - he wants children, you - absolutely not. This is a very significant point. Sooner or later he will look for a woman who will give birth to him a child - what do you think?

Alix

I'm calm with him. And it has potential. And if I think about parting, then I start to cry.
He declares his love for me, how dear I am to him, etc.
Perhaps this is just from my youth, when my family began to worry that I was all alone. I even considered the option of a fictitious marriage - so that everyone was happy.
Probably, I just do not want to look for a person next to whom I will be calm and in the future can provide some kind of support if he himself found me and does not want to leave ...

Alix, most likely everything is so calm in your relationship and your man does not want to leave just because he is sure that you have the same desires and outlook on your future life - that you love him, like he does you, you want to marry marry him, as he dreams of marrying you and you will have a family and a child. And what will happen when he finds out that he has not awakened any feelings in you, that living together weighs you down - you need your own space, you are not going to move to him, you do not want to think about children either? Are you sure that he will stay all his life waiting for rare meetings with you, when you visit him in another city, and put an end to his dream of a family with children for this?

Alix

Oh, about children, I constantly talk to him. But he "hopes to persuade me"
About the move, I also say ambiguously that I am not going to leave work like this.
About the move. Why should I move to him? If we talk about living space, then it is more profitable for Him to move with me, and you can rent out his one-room apartment and save up for a bigger apartment in the regional center, or for a house that we both dream of. In terms of our own home, our views are absolutely similar.
On the other hand, if he decides that children are very important to him, I will not hold him back, tie him or something like that. And if it turns out that I am physically unable to have children, then what?

Alix

Well, actually, I'll never ask a man to live with my family. I have a separate apartment in my dowry.
Mom, yes, now does not inspire confidence, but she believes that this is my life. And he only wishes that I did not fill myself with bumps.
And naturally, I take into account the fact that he will have to look for a new job, but I think that it is easier for a man-cook to get a job than a girl-sysadmin. I even specifically for the sake of interest looked through our cities job offers in my field and his, the ratio of offers 1 to 40-50 somewhere. And if you take into account the requirements for salary, then less than 1 to 20, approximately

Alix

I haven't decided anything. I just don't want to give anyone unnecessary worries.

Alix, but this is exactly what you are going to do - you yourself do not want to change anything, but you want all the chores to fall on your man's lot: he moved, he was looking for a job again. At the same time, you do not feel any feelings for him and you are not going to give birth to children. That is, he will not receive anything from what he dreamed of - neither his home (he will live with his wife), nor a loving wife, nor children, but at the same time he will leave his hometown, from his family and leave his job. You will give him plenty of trouble. Will he want? Does it make any sense to him? Talk to him - let him understand what kind of sacrifice you expect from him and where the relationship with you leads.

Alix

Thanks.
And, taking this opportunity, I would like to ask: what exactly is love? How to define it?

Alix, love is not defined. They feel it. You have definitely determined that your man is indifferent to you - you are comfortable with him (calmly, you can be silent), it is convenient that he lives far away and you don’t need to share living space with him, give up your habits, you don’t need to change anything in life, it’s convenient, that he appeared on his own and keeps himself by your side ... At the same time, you have no desire to delve into what is important to him - you are indifferent to his needs. When you talk about living together, you only think about how convenient it would be for you, even if he has to change everything in his life and give up everything that he has now, including his desires and plans. This is definitely not love.

One of the surest signs of love is when the desires of another become more important to you than your own desires - when you want to change your habits for the sake of another, when there is a willingness to give in and sacrifice for the sake of this person. Because it seems that he is the most important in your life. It is important that HE is there, and everything else loses its importance. I am ready to move, find a job, and struggle with difficulties, give birth to a child ... I want him to feel good next to you. These are the feelings that are born when a person falls in love.

Alix

I would not say that he is indifferent to me. The definition of calmness next to a person is one of the most important for me.
I do not like it when live people are constantly around. I am not comfortable. I often lock myself from my own family. But next to him I feel calm. I trust him is behind my back - which by the way, too, can not stand from people.
If a person is indifferent to me, even when communicating with him, I can not seem to notice him. No more than enough for etiquette. I talked and forgot.
It's different with him. If I imagine that we broke up, I feel bad.
And I didn’t set any conditions for him to drop everything and move. I support him with his work, I am sincerely happy for him. But if I see a more profitable option for our cohabitation - is that bad? Is it bad that I don't want our family to huddle in a one-room apartment, if there is a better option?
Saying that I do not want to move to another city, I always reduce the conversation to "wait and see, we are still young."
But with children, there can really be a problem. I don't want children not from him - I don't want them at all. Neither carry, nor give birth, nor educate. In principle, I am not against children, but only so that this dubious joy does not concern me.
It's not just personal relationships that upset me. But also in relations with society. I am already tired of hearing the exclamations of women about children, the joys of motherhood, directed at me due to the fact that I still have no children. It seems that everything around me is permeated with a stereotype that the ultimate dream of a girl is to marry her husband and give birth to children.

Alix, it might make sense to find a companion. Who, like you, does not want children? If you don't need people and living together with someone is a burden to you - what's the point in having a husband at all? What will you gain from this, apart from problems? After all, a husband is not only one man, this is also his relatives, who will consider you a member of the family and demand the fulfillment of some of their expectations - communication, children, care, participation in family affairs and problems, maybe money ... ... If you are only interested in peace of mind, then think many times before starting a family - this is a sure way to get new worries and problems. First of all, you will have to reckon with the interests of the husband, and secondly, his relatives. Friends, etc. Your circle of contacts will expand even if you did not want them. Attempts to avoid them can lead to conflicts. Which will ruin your relationship with your husband.
There is something to ponder for a person who is looking for tranquility ...

• Sometimes parents unknowingly impose their fears on us or set high expectations. This often makes us insecure.
• We shouldn't blame our parents, they wished us well. We have grown up and now we ourselves can take responsibility for our lives.

Self-doubt and excessive shyness, as a rule, are rooted in childhood. Parents have a huge impact on the child's sense of self. They become a kind of mirror that praises, reflecting a beautiful picture, and criticizes, revealing flaws. The way our parents and other adults “reflect” us is imprinted in our psyche and influences the formation of our ideas about ourselves. Understanding how parents have influenced each of us to develop self-confidence or shyness is the first step in regaining self-esteem.

Self-doubt can be a defining characteristic of a person, but most often it manifests itself only in certain aspects of life. You are a confident professional, but you have problems communicating with friends and building close relationships ... You do an excellent job with the instructions that your bosses give you, but you lose ground when you need to raise the issue of raising salaries ... Try as accurately as possible identify those areas of your life that have been affected by your self-doubt. This will help you better understand where the problem lies.

Self-doubt is always a product of a person's personal history.

We are not born shy, too timid or anxious, we acquire these traits throughout our life, facing different situations and people, getting this or that experience. Our relationships with parents and other adults are key to developing a sense of ourselves - confident or not. You should not completely shift the responsibility for your own neuroses and psychological problems to your parents. At the same time, there are several behavioral patterns that have a potential threat to the child's self-esteem.

1. Swap your parents' dreams for your own

"What a clumsy you are!" - says the mother of her five-year-old daughter, looking irritably at the joyful, childishly plump child. Mother once dreamed of becoming a ballerina, but it did not work out, and now she flatters herself with the hope that at least her daughter will become the next Maya Plisetskaya.

Parents sometimes cannot resist and project their dreams of success, happiness or wealth onto their children: where they fail, their children will certainly succeed. Dreams themselves have nothing wrong. However, often the wishes of the child himself are not taken into account at all. Parents see in him only a future "champion", a more successful version of themselves and are not ready to accept him as he is. At this moment, a seed of doubt arises in the child's mind: “Am I good enough? What do I need to do to be loved if just being myself is clearly not enough? "

A little later, the parents realize that their dreams are not destined to come true. Instead of understanding themselves, they see the cause of disappointment in an imperfect child. As a result, children receive self-doubt, as well as feelings of guilt and shame for not meeting parental expectations. Subsequently, these feelings can manifest themselves in any area of ​​life - at work, in friendship, in personal life, in relation to a person's own body.

Perhaps now you are still trying to be the embodiment of success for your parents. Try to separate the desires of your parents from your own and take the first step towards what you have dreamed of since childhood.

2. Seek support in difficult situations

“My father always told me that I would definitely succeed in everything,” Ekaterina recalls. - Only now I understand that it was a form of rejection of my difficulties. My father then had financial problems, and he did not want to worry about me either. Now I have a little daughter growing up myself, and I do not want to make his mistakes. For her to grow confident, I need to be very alert to the slightest signs of shyness, such as the inability to make friends or the fear of verbal answers at school. ” Often times, parents, absorbed in their own problems, may not notice that the child also has difficulties.

Growing up, such people suffer from a general lack of self-confidence: having no experience of support in anxious and difficult situations, they do not trust either themselves or the world. Their relationships with others are filled with fear of intimacy, mistrust and uncertainty that anyone is capable of taking them seriously.

Try to start trusting others at least in small ways. Once you feel how reassuring support can be, it will be easier for you to overcome your insecurities.

3. Find the courage to take risks

"We will never buy you a scooter, you will have an accident." For anxious parents, life is a real danger. This is why they tend to be overprotective of their children. This feeling of pervasive anxiety turns out to be highly contagious! If parents constantly struggle with imagined dangers, their children are more likely to internalize this distrust of the world. The child begins to avoid all activities, especially those associated with emotional or physical risks. As a result, the necessary social skills are simply not trained, and the person acquires self-doubt and self-doubt.

Anxiety can easily transform into fear of meeting new people or fear of bosses. The resulting inhibitions and habitual fears can also manifest themselves in those areas of life that are not directly related to the original cause of anxiety - in problems at work, in relationships with friends and with a loved one.

The world is not as dangerous as your parents told you. Surely you have long wanted to try something, but did not dare - perhaps now is the right time.

4. You are definitely capable of more

Maria's parents have always had a pessimistic outlook on life. They never allowed their daughter to even dream of a wealthy and successful life. On the contrary, they instilled in her that "every cricket should know his sixth", "one should rejoice in the small and not demand more from life." As an adult, Maria never dared to go to college and quit her unsatisfying job.

Our inner ideas force us to change, grow and look for ways to develop. But building these notions requires parents who will encourage us to listen to our desires.

Parents have their own way of life. Perhaps in their youth, changing jobs was really too much of a shock. But you don't have to inherit their fears and insecurities. You have your own life, in which there are many opportunities to become happier.

5. The ideals of the parents may not be true.

“My daughter is completely unique. She is talented, smart, and even beautiful, ”says the proud mother, introducing her daughter to her acquaintances. And the little frightened girl at this moment wants only one thing: to sink into the ground! Excessive praise can harm children's self-esteem as much as devaluing remarks. Praise and compliments prevent the child from forming their own vision of themselves and their potential. He is forced to compare his own self-image with the unattainable ideal drawn by the parent.

In adulthood, a person will suffer from a sense of their own failure and emptiness. After all, no matter how hard he tries, the ideals drawn by his parents turn out to be an unbearable burden.

Try to accept yourself as imperfect. In the end, they all have merits and demerits.

6. Feel free to celebrate your luck

Unfortunately, there are some parents who see their own children as rivals, whose success can supposedly overshadow their own. Usually such people themselves are too infantile or have unresolved psychological problems.

The child's psyche registers such desires of the parents and can react to them in different ways. Often the child develops psychosomatic illnesses. In this case, "flight" into illness can be a symbolic expression of the desire for security, which the child never had.
Another scenario is that the child quickly understands that his parents are only able to truly rejoice in his failures ... And no matter what such a person does, he will unconsciously strive for failure everywhere: in work, study, family. Fears, inhibitions and anxieties received in childhood will help him to "succeed" in this.

The relationship between children and parents plays a key role in building a child's self-confidence. It is important to remember that an emotionally dysfunctional childhood, while it can become an obstacle to success, is not an insurmountable obstacle. When you were a child, the words and actions of your parents had a huge impact on you, but this is no longer the case. You are an adult independent person, you are quite capable of creating a happy future for yourself, and only you will be responsible for how it turns out.

7. Don't blame your parents

Susan Jeffers, author of Fear ... But Act! How to turn fear from an enemy into an ally ”offers his own way to gain self-confidence. We need to accept that fear is an integral part of our life, and turning it into confidence is already a task for each of us. “Self-confidence begins when you can say,“ I'm not going to blame my parents or my classmates at school for bullying me. I'm going to take responsibility for my life here and now, ”says Jeffers.

To build self-confidence, it is important to understand that failure and failure are inevitable for everyone. At the same time, it depends only on us whether we can learn from this some kind of experience or fall into the abyss of self-deprecation and self-doubt.

None of life lessons can be unequivocally negative. “Imagine that you are going to an interview and you are not hired. What's next? You can blame yourself for not making a good enough impression, or you can look at the situation from a different angle. What lesson can you learn from this experience? Have you prepared well enough? Could you do something differently to get this position? Was this job really what you wanted? Find meaning in what happened, and don't get depressed. If you allow yourself to succumb to discouragement, you will not get anything out of the situation. "

Look for new activities that will bring you joy and satisfaction.

It is believed that if a person is too dependent on a job or a relationship, he is not confident in himself. Jeffers agrees: “When one thing you are addicted to collapses, your life inevitably becomes empty. To maintain self-confidence, it is very important to make your life rich and rich in impressions and events. "

Start with what you get. This will give you confidence. Look for new activities that will bring you joy and satisfaction. Imperceptibly, you will find that your abilities no longer seem so limited to you, and you feel confident in your own abilities.

Never hang your head.

Always keep her high.

Look the world right in the face.
Helen Keller

Believe Sentence is the force that can make you move no matter what. And often people do not have enough of it even for elementary steps. But she needs to be trained, taught her, like any other skill.How to gain self-confidence?This article will contain 6 tips that will help you get even a little closer to that very strength - confidence.

1. Take action. Do your own thing diligently.

Take action to gain confidence. Pinch your butt and move. Sitting on the couch and thinking about your dreams, you will not only fail to achieve them, but you will make yourself even worse. It's simple and straightforward how to poke yourself in the side with a knife and think why the sandwich is not ready yet. And while getting up and taking action is often not easy, here are 3 steps to help you:

Be present in the right place- this will provoke you to move. To make yourself a meal, you first need to go to the kitchen. And there, looking into the refrigerator (suppose it is full), you will have ideas, the knives themselves will get out of the table and the process will go on.

Take it easy - the most difficult step. We people always want to be cool and serious and we make our problems the same. Here you need to take out the trash. And in my head: for this you need to get up, go to the trash bin, pull it out, go out into the street, and suddenly the garbage chute breaks down, what if I drop it and get dirty, but how to take out old furniture, etc. In fact, he took it and took it out. Relax, most of the problems surrounding people are not at all galactic proportions. We just like to make ourselves bigger by the magnitude of our problems. Forget it.

Longing for - and the energy will appear on its own. Understand that you REALLY want it and go ahead. The reserve of strength and confidence will be enough for a while.

2. Face your fear .

By doing what you are afraid to do, you will gain self-confidence.

William Jennings Brian

The previous phrase describes a vicious circle well - no confidence, scary. If you don't act scary and there is no result. Therefore, by overcoming fear, you will automatically become more confident. And to make it a little easier to fight your fear, help yourself:

Be curious. Being in fear is like sitting in a dark room with no light, locking the door and windows. This is the installation of high and impenetrable walls that protect a person from the world of people and things. And if you show curiosity, then the outside world itself will open the doors and call you. It will open your eyes, captivate and there will simply not be time for fear. How to show genuine curiosity? Remember how joyful you were when you were carried away by something, and then try to transfer this feeling to another object. Ask questions deeper than just: when will it end?

Understand that fear is most often based on misconceptions about the situation. Do not look for similarities with negative events in others. Try to think of the bad only rationally, as a task, and not emotionally, as the end of the world. Hold the herd of thoughts in place and everything will settle down faster than you thought.

3. Proceed in order .

Mastering a new business for oneself, whether it be a public speech or the first attempt to write a story, a person gets nervous and thinks about the consequences. And, thinking about what will happen after, often does not begin to act. In this case, the most useful thing will be to simply do. And for the second, third, tenth time it will become habitual and the question "How to do it?" will disappear by itself. There is nothing wrong with starting a new one. It's scary if you stay in one place forever.